2011

I am glad that 2011 is drawing to a close. The year has been filled with emotional peaks and valleys, ranging from the virtually perfect wedding of my daughter to the very sudden death of my mother, still fresh enough that I can't write those words without tears coming to my eyes. One of my children's aunts, my younger sister-in-law (does one say "ex-sister-in-law?), also died. Both these women attended my daughter's wedding, and I'm glad they were able to be there.

In 2011, I fought for and received a promotion, which moved me from the weekly to the monthly payroll. Since then I have been fighting to have enough cash to see me through a month. The last three months, especially, have been a struggle, with my cash pretty much gone after my car payment on the 19th. That's another thing that changed in 2011: In February, I unloaded my 1999 Saturn for a new Civic, which I'm leasing because the monthly payments are much lower. Having a new car has been wonderful. Having a new car payment, less so.

Once again, an entire year has passed by without me having a date or even meeting a man near my age who is single and available. This is not the way I expected my life would be. I become more withdrawn every day. I wouldn't even know how to talk to a man who might be interested in me. In fact, I find it a little harder every day to believe that there is a man out in the vast universe who might find me interesting or attractive. I'm afraid I've forgotten how to be either of those things.

The best part of 2011, after my daughter's wedding, was my week on the Cape in July-August. I'm always better at the Cape - healthier, less apt to overeat, more apt to go outside, more complete in myself. I still want to retire to the Cape. My older son and I visited the Cape the weekend after my mother died, earlier this month. We needed the outing to a place Mom loved, too. The Cape is a very different place in December, with most of the summer attractions closed. But it's still the Cape, and I think I'd be all right there even in the off season. (If anybody reads this, "the Cape" is always Cape Cod. I live closer to Cape Ann, and I realize that there are a lot of Capes all over the world. But only one is THE Cape. I've asked people from other parts of the country what they think of when they hear "the Cape", and the answer has always been Cape Cod.)

Earlier this week I made MP3s out of my Cat Stevens albums from the early 1970's. I want to quote part of a song from "Tea for the Tillerman" - "there's so much left to know and I'm on the road to find out." (The song is called "On the road to find out".) That's what I've lost in the past few years - hope for the future. Those lines remind me of what I've lost. I may be older now, but there's still a lot left to know, and it's only my own fears that are keeping me off the Road to Find Out. That's what I want for 2012 - to be back on that road.