Old Fat Lady and Tattoos?

Last year, I happened onto a show called Ink Master. It's on Spike, whose target audience is male. I loved it. I have no idea why - I don't have any tattoos (yet!) and I always thought I disapproved of them. They're permanent, and if you get tired of them, you can't scrub them off. If, ten years later, you no longer want your significant other's name tattooed on your arm, due to the fact that s/he is no longer your significant other, you're screwed. The tattoo that made you laugh in your twenties might just embarrass you in your forties.

However, I'm now in my sixties, and I expect my tastes aren't going to change too drastically in the next few decades. I secretly want to apply to be a canvas for the next season of Ink Master. Don't tell anybody! Some of the contestants don't want to tattoo old people because aging skin handles differently, but they've had at least one woman in her 70s on.

There are other shows about tattoos, but they all seem to be slanted towards repairing or covering up bad tattoos. Tattoo Nightmares is a show about three L.A. artists who specialize in covering up bad tattoos. Then there's Bad Ink, set in Las Vegas. These two characters (a tattoo artist and his sidekick) go around looking for bad tattoos, and they've found a lot of them (example: a large-size woman who had "EXIT ONLY" tattooed right over her ass crack). Occasionally, somebody even wants to have their bad tattoo covered up, although more people than you'd think just want to keep their tattoos because either they have appalling taste or they're used to them.

These bad-tattoo stories all seem to start the same way: "I was out with my friends and we were drinking..." That's all it takes - too much alcohol and the encouragement of a few impaired friends - to lead to waking up in the morning with a horrible tattoo. Frequently, they were under age 18, and were tattooed by somebody who didn't know what they were doing.

In one of the Bad Ink episodes, one of the guys (I think it was Ruckus, the one who isn't a tattoo artist) was trying to entice old people in a retirement community to come and get a tattoo. One woman took them up on it. She was older than I am.

There's a tattoo convention in Boston this weekend. I could go - I'm on my own for the long weekend. I could even come back with a tattoo. I looked at the page of artists, and there are a lot of gorgeous tattoos being shown. Bright colors, unique designs, different styles, from realistic to abstract, cartoon-like, or like the cover of a fantasy novel. I think I'd like something in color. But where? My ankle? My shoulder? I thought about having a tattoo that would incorporate my spider veins on my legs... I think I'd want something I could hide if I wanted to. I don't know. My kids would probably think I've gone crazy.

What Can Old Fat Ladies Do? Take 2

Last year, I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. This was a surprise to me. I had some aching in my right arm, but nothing too severe. I made a couple of changes at work - I have a fancy mouse that operates with a handshake grip, and I repositioned my keyboard - and I think the carpal tunnel syndrome has cleared up. This is significant because, due to it, I had given up knitting. I have always loved to knit and crochet, and I'm reasonably good at it. My kids all have afghans I crocheted for them. (I have one, too.) I knitted many baby sweaters and hats over the years for my friends. More recently, I have made several pairs of mittens each Christmas for our church's Mitten Tree. Last year, I was unable to do so, which was a disappointment to me.

Meanwhile, my shoulders were giving me trouble. I had rotator cuff surgery last January on my left shoulder. My right shoulder has bone spurs that make it painful to reach up for things. I haven't been able to lift anything too heavy (another reason that we haven't put the house on the market yet - I can't move things to the storage locker without help).

In spite of these things, I decided it was time to try knitting again. While I was down at the Cape earlier this month, I bought a pattern for a cardigan for myself, some lovely blue yarn with flecks (they called it "tweed"), and I started knitting. The back is about half done, and everything's going well so far. This has lifted up my spirits tremendously, at least as far as my body's limitations go.

I've also had trouble walking. It turns out that the pain in the balls of my feet was due to something called a Morton's neuroma. Actually, two neuromas, one in each foot. There's really nothing to do about them except to wear the right shoes, ones that don't compress the toes. I now have a pair of orthopedic shoes. They're huge and clunky, and I haven't worn them anywhere yet. The orthopedic shoe guy approved my sandals, so I figured I'd wear them until the weather gets cold enough for large clunky orthopedic shoes.

Last week I decided it was time to stop malingering and to get out walking at lunchtime again. I am challenging myself to go out and walk three days a week. I've had problems with arthritis in my right hip - something I REALLY do not want to admit to, because it makes me sound so OLD. I think exercise can help (and if it can't, I don't really want to know about it!). I did the three workday lunchtimes last week, and in addition, took a Saturday walk along Lynn Shore Drive. I took a walk today, so this week is off to a good start.

So, it looks like I'm not yet too old and decrepit to knit or to walk. YAY!

What Can Old Fat Ladies Do?

What can old fat ladies do? I'm hoping to explore that topic here.

As I get older, I feel more limited in what I can do. Skydiving? Probably not. Do old fat ladies with fake knees jump out of airplanes? I had a brief mourning period back when I was 38 because I had never jumped out of an airplane, and I was already too old to do it. At age 38! If I had actually wanted to try skydiving, I could have. For all I know, I still could.

Why the preoccupation with skydiving? Two reasons. First, I'm a fan of Top Chef Masters. The season premiere earlier this summer showed all but one of the chefs (even the older, fatter ones) skydiving into their first cooking challenge.They made it look easy, and even the terrified ones claimed to have loved the experience. Second, my son-in-law recently jumped out of an airplane (skydove?). He's young and athletic, and loves to try new things. My daughter didn't join him in the jump, though. I wonder if she'll regret it when she's in her sixties? More likely, she'll have done it by then.

So what can I do? The fake knee limits me in a couple of areas. I was told that I couldn't run or ski. I hadn't been doing much of either of those recently, so I figured there wouldn't be a problem.

But what about climbing Mount Everest? Could a person with a fake knee do that? Somewhere in the back of my mind, I want to be able to do it. I love reading about Everest, watching documentaries about Everest, imagining myself in this most unforgiving of environments...but realistically, I know I'll never climb it. For one thing, it takes months of acclimatization and a vast amount of money. For another thing? See "fat", above. Add "out of shape" to that.

Which brings me to something an old fat lady can do: get into shape.

Today I Googled "personal trainer arthritis" to see if I could turn up any local personal trainers who dealt with people like me. Clearly, I should have chosen different words for my search. I found exercises for people with arthritis, but realistically, I won't do it on my own. I need somebody who will inspire me and motivate me without shaming me or belittling me. I need a location near where I live -

- and that's where everything grinds to a halt.

I want to move away from the poor city where I live now. I want to move closer to Boston. I wouldn't join a gym where I live now even if such a thing existed. (There's a YMCA; not sure what else.) So I've been putting off my dreams of getting fit with a personal trainer until some indefinite date in the future, After I Move. That date doesn't seem to be getting any closer.