September

So far I'm writing for an audience of one - myself. Not that that's a bad thing, exactly... I keep hoping I'll be discovered, but hey, if I'm writing at all, that's good. It doesn't have to be witnessed.

Last night after I came home from work I watched the entire second season of Weeds. I was up past midnight. It's a long weekend, and I can sleep late (i.e. past 5:30 a.m., my usual rising time) for three mornings in a row. I don't subscribe to the premium cable channels, so I can't watch the third season of Weeds yet. It's only up to the fourth episode according to their website, so it'll be a while before it's out on DVD.

And today begins a new month. In some ways, at my age, it's depressing to turn another page on the calendar, because I recognize that there won't be as many more pages to turn, and I'm still not the person I want to be. My time is running out, and I still haven't found the love of my life. I still haven't written the great American novel - I haven't written any publishable novels. In fact, when I participated in NaNoWriMo last November and finished my novel, it was the first one I'd ever completed. It's fluff. It's cute. (My kids know that if I call something like a book or a movie "cute", I don't like it.)

But it's September, and that's a time of beginnings. I could try to sing this year. I used to sing very well. I started singing in choirs when I was nine, and have usually participated in at least one choir my entire life since then. I'm a soprano, and while I'll never win any prizes, I've done a lot of solo work and received many compliments on my singing. It had always been my experience when I attended a new church that members would suggest that I join the choir. People who knew me liked to stand near me in church because of my singing. Until now. At the church where I'm currently ringing handbells, nobody has ever suggested that I join the choir. Nobody has complimented me on my singing. Nobody has noticed my voice at all. Have I deteriorated that much in just a couple of years? It's shaken my confidence.

So I wouldn't go to a choir where I'd have to audition. But I could go to a community chorus and just get singing again. Sometimes that seems like a good idea. But I'm afraid. In the most recent community chorus where I sang, my depression led me to drop out of the group before a concert one year. (I blamed it on my gall bladder surgery, so nobody held it against me.) I just couldn't make myself go to rehearsals any more. I disliked the music, but I feel that if I were a good person I'd have sung it anyway. I don't trust myself to make commitments any more.

But I'm doing better. I've stayed with this handbell choir for four years now. I've played music I don't especially like, because we're usually also be performing other pieces that I love. It was hard to force myself to go to rehearsals sometimes, but last year, when my younger son moved in with me, he joined the handbell choir, too, and after Christmas we pulled my older son into it, too. Now it's a weekly family outing. We go out to dinner at Panera, usually, and then over to rehearsal. We also went to the area conference in June, where we had a wonderful time.

Rehearsals start this week, and we're performing next Sunday. Yep, September is a time of beginnings.